of a 17 Year Old Virgin I guess that 1:00 a.m. on a stormy night in August is as good a time as any to cry my heart out. Which is why my pillow is wet and the mascara (so carefully applied to impress you, Mike) is spread across my eyes and cheeks. Waterproof mascara they call it, but sometimes life hurts are too much for waterproof mascara. Why don't they market a Mascara so a teenage girl like me can get dumped by a basketball hero and fade out of the picture glamorously?
|
We' ve been dating steadily for six months now. But when you drove off half an hour ago, your masculine pride wounded, I realized that we're through. You did not say as much, but I know you won't call again. You said, I've been patient, Jenny, but six months is a long time, and "well you know". Sure, six months is a long time to date a girl who doesn' t give-in.. The pressure's been building up slowly as we've become more fond of each other. At least you were nice enough to bother with me for six whole months. I mean a virgin and a basketball star! Not a workable combination, is it Mike?
But I won't be dateless forever! There are a lot of good guys out there who will love me for the person I am and not because of physical intimacy. I' m pretty enough to have guys calling me up. I'll admit they're not superstars like you but I'm sure they're far better than you.
Because you're tall and handsome, charming and witty, and won our university the interschool championship, you expect a girl to give-in. But why won' t I? There are many reasons for why I' m unwilling. You'd say they're dumb reasons, and tonight I'm thinking so, too, but maybe tomorrow they' ll seem valid again.
Is it because I'm Catholic, you asked. In a way, but that's not the whole reason. Having slept with you tonight would have caused a chain reaction, and lying alone in bed now, I can see that chain more clearly. If I slept with you, I couldn't go to Communion on Sunday, and as we go to Mass as a family, that would set my parents worrying, and what do I tell them? So, that's two people that I love hurt right there. Plus, I'd feel hurt and guilty and probably stop going to Mass altogether.
What other reasons do I have? In a way, our generation is shell-shocked. Since the sexual revolution is no longer a revolution, it's fast becoming a way of life, we can stand back and observe the outcome before getting involved, and, honestly, I don't like what I see. If I could look at my friends who have partaken in the revolution and say, "they lived happily ever after", I might get convinced. I might even now be snuggled in your arms in that warm car. But it's not like that Richard. I see a big lack of happiness out there and it's off-putting.
My cousin Ruth lived with her boyfriend for 12 months when she was 19, and then it fell apart, his doing mainly, and she was so hurt by it that she warned me never to get caught in the same situation.
She didn't have to warn me. I could see the agony involved. And she wasn't even pregnant. Imagine if she'd been pregnant and dumped! She might be a single parent struggling along trying to support a baby. Her glamorous single existence would be long gone.
She's still not married up to now, and I think the experience has hurt her so badly it has warped her attitude towards making a future commitment. And there's another reason Mike, why I'd like to hold onto my virginity. It was easy for you to laugh at me, "Oh common", not in this age and time", you said. But what if I gave-in to your ridicule? What could have started tonight would have been a relationship, an open-ended affair with no strings, no commitments, no ground rules at all. How long would it last? Six months, a year? But not forever, that's for sure, because neither of us is ready for marriage. And I don't want to be somebody's casual relationship. When I give myself, I want it to be in marriage. I want to be someone's lifelong lover, the person my man can't bear to live without. I don't want a relationship, anyone can have that. I want a loving, committed, 50-year love affair with the same man. That is the stuff poems are written about. Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote: "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways". And I want poems and flowers and a diamond ring and children and history together. And I want our history to end " happily ever after".
It's 4:00 A.M. now and I'm feeling better. I should have laid out all these reasons for you tonight, my handsome friend, but at least in replaying them in my own mind I am better equipped to handle the fact that we're through. Tomorrow, I'll wipe the mascara off my face and get on with life.
Will I see you at Dianne's party? And who will you have on your arm? Will my heart churn as I linger by the punch bowl pretending to be having a marvelous time engrossed in conversation with a nerd? Yes, it will.
I've lost you, Mike, but I retain my independence, my self-respect, my simple, uncomplicated existence. Tomorrow, my eyes will be swollen, but my future will be free and unfettered. So, I guess I'm not a loser after all.
(Adapted from the Catholic Twin Circle, Vol. 21, No. 41) "Time is too slow for those who wait; Too swift for those who fear; Too long for those who grieve; Too short for those who rejoice; But for those who love; Time is not.
- Henry Van Dyke
|
|
