Picking Up The Pieces After Domestic Violence
“It started with arguments and days without him speaking to me. One day, he smacked me on the side of my head. It only got worse after that. This is love?”
“She would cheat on me all the time. And when I found out and asked her about it, she would throw stuff at me, say it was my fault. I mean, where was the trust?”
“I just couldn’t stop myself. I was always screaming at her. Sometimes I wanted to shake her so she would listen. I love my daughter, but my anger seemed to be getting the better of me.”
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When love’s a battlefield
People who love you shouldn’t hurt you.
Yet, headlines tell of women beaten, even murdered, by boyfriends or spouses; children injured or killed by parents, relatives or caregivers; older adults neglected or cheated out of money or property by family members. Many men who are abused are often too ashamed to report the incidents.
Abuse-verbal, physical, sexual, emotional, mental, or financial – happens in every type of relationship. It happens to people of every race, economic background and age, every minute of everyday.
Tally the tragedy
Here are statistics on domestic violence:
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A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States.
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Eighty percent of children who live in homes where domestic violence occurs see the abuse.
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In on year, an estimated 872,000 children were victims of child abuse or neglect.
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Fifteen percent of all domestic abuse victims are men.
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$4.1 billion is spent annually on medical and mental health care as a result of domestic abuse.
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More than half of America’s teens know friends who have experienced some sort of dating abuse.
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he most common form of elder abuse is neglect, followed by emotional/psychological abuse.
Remember God’s love
“After awhile, I just felt so damaged – like I wasn’t worthy of any love. Not even God’s love.”
Victims of domestic violence feel isolated an alone, helpless, unable to make a change and without hope. But no matter the circumstances of our lives and no matter how others may treat us or make us feel, we are always loved by God.
When faced with violence in the home, it’s up to us to bring God’s healing, help and hope to both the abused and abuser. Above all, our own lives should mirror the loving, peace-filled presence of God.
See the signs
“He kept her from us. She always seemed nervous and quiet around him.”
In addition to obvious violence, there are other signs of abuse. Consider these:
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You have no choice about how you spend time, where you go or what you wear.
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You’re falsely accused of things.
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You need the other person’s permission to make everyday decisions.
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You’re called names or insulted.
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Time with loved ones is limited.
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You fear the other person’s rage, and change your behavior to avoid it.
When there is violence, it’s sometimes followed by a “honeymoon” period – a time of apologies and gifts. These become less frequent as the cycle escalates.
“When you live in an environment of chaos, stress and fear, you start doubting yourself,” notes social worker and violence prevention coordinator Diana Patterson of the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.
Recognizing that your reality is abusive and that you need to reclaim your life is a start toward change.
Speak out – and listen
“If we don’t talk about it, it gets bigger and bigger and then it explodes.”
According to an organization called Men Against Violence Against Women, one way to curb domestic violence is recognizing that men need to accept more responsibility.
“Ideally, what I would like to see is men holding each other accountable,” explains James Walker, president of the association’s Ocala, Florida, chapter.
Calvin Dandy who organized The Hands of Men discussion group says, “I think that dealing with it is the only way to create healing and growth.”
Speaking against domestic violence includes supporting related legislation and report abuse. Abused people often live in secret, too afraid and ashamed to speak out. When they do, we need to listen.
Women in abusive relationships may leave and return to their abusers over and over again because their self-worth has been damages. They have been isolated from family and friends and lack job skills to support themselves and their children. Our response should stress safety.
Kim Muir, a college student, helps battered women by volunteering at a local shelter. “It brings a lot into my own life,” she explains. “It makes me work harder for women in my community.”
Face facts – with courage
“It took me a while to realize the attacks weren’t my fault – and what was being said wasn’t true. I had done nothing wrong.”
The first step away from being abused is the realization that you did not cause the abuse – and that you are a unique and loved child of God.
After years of emotional and psychological abuse from his wife, including endless infidelities, Ed decided that the marriage could never work. “I loved my kids and wanted to be with them,” he says. “But I just couldn’t subject them anymore to the arguments and all the pain.”
It took therapy to see it wasn’t his fault – and that he was not “crazy,” as he had started to believe. “That look in the mirror was tough,” he says now, looking back. “But it was worth it to break the cycle.”
Send out an S.O.S.
“I’m glad the law finally stopped me.”
Donald beat his wife. Yet, he says that the day he was arrested was the “the luckiest day of my life.”
Sentenced to jail, Donald was then court-ordered to enroll in a batterer’s treatment program. Listening to stories about abuse from the victim’s perspective was “terrifying – especially hearing about the children,” Donald says, adding, “They made my take a good look at myself.”
If your anger is out of control, support groups and professional counseling can help you. Those who have been abused can find help in shelters, with the law and through help-lines. You can reach the non-profit National Domestic Violence Hotline, 24/7 (800) 799-SAFE (7233).
Determining a safe place where the abuser cannot reach you is a priority for those fleeing violence at home.
Hear God’s voice
“I prayed to God everyday asking Him to help me.”
Jack’s childhood was filled with beatings by his mother and stepfather. “I still have all the scars,” he says. Now a father and grandfather himself, he visited his mother after choosing not to see her for many years. “I felt enormous sadness,” he recalls. “She just looked at me, and something in that look made me forgive her.”
Maggie forgave her abusive ex-husband during a prayer service. “the priest said, ‘think of someone you feel you could never forgive and let go of that anger,’ ” she remembers. “He stressed putting God’s love and mercy in place of that anger. Suddenly, I did what I thought I could never do – I forgave.”
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning abuse, but it does free us from the burden of living with anger, and even hatred, for another person.
Both abuser and abused can take comfort in the unceasing love of God, and find strength through prayer in the journey away from violence and pain.
Jesus said … “I give you a new commandment that you love one another. By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you have love on another.” (John 13:31,34-35)
Peace Rules Sacred Scripture urges, “let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” (Colossians 3:15) Here are some thoughts:
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Examine your life for areas where you’re either controlling or being controlled.
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Shun violence and anger – with self, spouse, children, parents or others.
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Free yourself from abusive situations. If you need help admit it and get it.
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Focus not on life’s disappointments, but on the blessings God’s given you.
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Build healthy relationships with mutual respect and open communication.
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Forgive yourself and others.
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Celebrate the fact that God loves you and thank God for His loving presence.
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
--- attributed by St. Francis of Assisi
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